4 posts tagged “health”

Duke University Neuroscience doesn't know what to do with me either. And they don't have my records for some reason; I can't call it. They're being sent again.

I did my best to explain myself: which is to say, I exhaustively and circuitously brought up every potentially relevant detail and laid it out on the table as unobtrusively as possible, while Dr. Attix's gorgeous grey-green eyes traced back and forth across my face. This is a courtesy that molders with impatience as she stares through my head as if looking for me where I should be, but for some reason am not. I just keep talking. I hide behind myself by hiding nothing.

People don't know how to respond when you break the fourth wall to evangelize them about the floorboards.

The filthy homeless guy with a sharpie-scrawled Bible verse on a cardboard sign, standing out in the sun, panhandling on the highway seems disheveled and out-of-touch with reality. But the truth is, just by being there, holding up his hopeless request for a few dollars of your guilty Christian charity, drawing flies in the heat and getting older, he's showing you exactly how homeless he really is, and how badly he needs your help. He's showing us what he doesn't have: it's our sin that we roll up our windows, count our blessings, and offer him nothing. It's our fault he's still there because we looked at him, looked away, and just waited for the light to change.

Awkwardness comes from having slept outside.

She doesn't think there would be any use for cognitive therapy, since I didn't have a stroke. At least there won't be any more pills.

First hail of the season yesterday. God spitting ice down on the woods. I took a picture.

Drove to Greensboro, to Piedmont-Triad Int'l Airport, picked up the folks around 1 am.

Drank liters of espresso to wake myself up just to stay awake for the hour and a half drive, pulled into the terminal yawning. Fell asleep as soon as I got home. For like two hours. Up since 5am.

I write this stuff here so I have it written somewhere. The reason?

Fatigue, exhaustion: withdrawal effects from discontinuing these medications. Nobody told me about this. A week or so of failed workouts, constantly tired, more worthless sleep at night than ever, and I hopped a curb in the Tercel after I dropped Tom off at the truck rental place the other day? Damn. I figured this out looking it up only like 3 hours ago.

The more I researched all the stuff I've been given the more I'm sure that these mafuckz don't really know what the fuck they're doing. Shit is poisonous and they push it on you smiling. Vyvanse, even in small doses, can cause psychotic episodes with people of certain neuro-psychological profiles? And apparently you're not supposed to take that shit if they give you an SSRI? Then they give me the Seroquil for sleep? AND the other shit I was taking? AND Vyvanse depletes your body's nutrients? Plus what is this weight gain really about? Doctors are trying to fuckin' kill me, man!

And not a day too soon.

Thanks to the good people at Alliance Medical Ministries, I'm not taking anything anymore - God willing, we can close that whole awkward chapter of life, huh? I feel like a get to start again, like I'm free to put an X through the last couple of months, throw all those stacks of wasted days in the trash along with all the pills and put myself back in charge of myself. A month from now, I've got an appointment at Duke. Dr. Tucerro tells me they've got strategies. She's so awesome. I fell asleep in her office. I hope she's right.

I'll make a way out of this.  We get rain all day today.

I'm going to go running.

I love you more.

I'm canceling an appointment with Dr. Adelman today. The overdose built up and turned my body into a centrifuge and flung my thoughts apart, while I laid up, sleepless and growing wilder without sleep. Now, nine days later, the pinwheeling feelings've have fully come and gone and left me ghosts, the terrific vacuum in my chest's filled in, and I've still got some birthday cake left over. It's ice cream cake. I turned 24 soon-ago.

I'm fine. I'm not sick. I'm not worried.

What - me, worry?

I'll be fine.